Charleston. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. With NUNS. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. Instead, things got worse. Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. But no gambling! We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. It is a huge trust issue. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. It might even be a wonderful idea, under the right circumstances. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. I call him every day to give him some reassurance that Im fine, and that helps. Or hes over-reporting the level of agreement he got? People women, even! I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. Im a bit flabbergasted. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. The reality of the place is really NBD. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? Alisons advice suggesting marriage counseling is good. Husband needs to chill, big time. I go on business trips. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. I dont gamble much. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. I say go for it! And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. Even with the additional information. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. But theres no letting about it. Its like the least romantic version of the old I wore her down until she agreed to go on a date, and now weve been married for 30 years trope. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. I am late to this thread but Working Wife, I want you to know that I was in a similar situation when I first married my husband he was excessively concerned with stuff like this, with the subtext that he was afraid I would cheat. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. Or the wife, for that matter. And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. If we could afford flying we would have. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? Best of luck! I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. Obviously we will have to stop every few hours to feed her. Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! Nikada / iStock. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. Hopefully the comment section will help the OP see what is going on here. And when he would occasionally go to conferences for work, she trusted him as well. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. I love New Orleans! That doesnt strike me as weird at all. Therapy is really personal, and a bad fit or burnt-out therapist can be worse than no therapist at all. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. Sometimes, well go together on business trips (one of us taking it as vacation) this isnt something you can do every time, but it also seems to help him tremendously, especially on his own business travel. Life is short. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. Businesses plan conferences in Las Vegas because the rooms are dirt cheap, not because theyre planning some sort of raucous party. It mostly makes me question his survey methods, which I assume involved leading questions like, would you let your wife go to a naked business orgy in Las Vegas?. Whats not real is all these horrible things Im imagining happening to her. Tell him to get over himself. It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. Just live in an exurb of a big city rather than a small town), they find this baffling. Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. She acted like she wasnt married. 4. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. Its bizarre to talk about letting another adult do anythingtalk about patronizing. Leave your phone on silent. I think theres sometimes a tendency in certain corners of the internet to equate I have to talk to my partner about X before I can do it or My partner doesnt want me to do Y with OMG controlling relationship!, when there are lots of circumstances where that kind of thing is totally reasonable. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. Yet he says he would not even go without me. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). Dont try totalk yourself into thinking that itdoesnt matter orthat they didnt mean anything byit. Yall need some marriage counseling. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. and getting an emergency beacon. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). Talk with your partner about why hedidnt invite you along onthe trip. He just says everybody so that it will give weight to his selfish wants. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. I think part of this relates back to a topic thats come up here before: people who dont travel for work think its fun but the people who do travel for work spend the whole time in meetings, seminars, conferences, and never get to explore whatever city theyre in. I cant recall exactly how they recommended to handle it, but it started with asking the spouse about what exactly they feared and coming to a compromise that would address the fear. I dont see it as misogynist. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. Iam lost. I do know some people (who have never been to Vegas!) Yeah, Vegas can be a skeezy place but I havent found it to be any worse than LA, Nashville, Cincinnati, New York, Seattle, Boston, or any of the other cities Ive been to. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? Right? Get some counseling, dood. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. Giving the husband the most benefit of the doubt possible, its possible he rants and raves and his friends all go hmm, interesting. Not seeing any benefit in engaging someone whos clearly nuts on the subject. OP, go on the trip. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. You can make decisions for yourself! this makes me IRATE. Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. Ifyoure feeling left out, that means something iswrong. within arms range. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). Exactly this. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. asks from Lake Charles, LA on June 30, 2011. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. Yeah, support common technique, but we dont know what we dont know, till we know it. Yeah, cheating is a pretty terrible thing to accuse a partner of without any basis, and personally is an immediate dealbreaker for me. Im so glad I made that choice. My company had an annual meeting in Vegas a few years ago, that I wasnt important enough to attend, and I was crazy jealous. Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and irrational fears about my partners safety, this is such a kind response and vivid description of how (otherwise) reasonable people can become unreasonable. I second counseling. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. Husband is not fair when it comes to my family (his inlaws). But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. M.M. It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. Scheduled calls are a great idea. If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. Most of them. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you.
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